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Whether it's in love or trying to get through the life & whatever it throws it at you, I think everybody can relate to the post below:
I am losing ________ in/of ________. With this shift in perception I am growing more & more impatient This impatience is the root of the obsessive over-analysis of my daily routine. It also harvests the energy invested in hours upon end of projecting & idealizing. I want so much. I want so, so much. I spend all my minutes perfecting all the details. I am quite aware of the damaging effects of desire, but my Gemini refuses to let go of fantasy. Or is it hope?
The main problem is that I know what I want. I've had the fortune of getting brief & sporadic doeses of my ideals. But they've all fallen short in some way of another, leaving only room for my standards to grow. Now these standards have escalated to epic proportions & run the risk of never being met due to their unrealistic lining. I believe focusing on a goal can only lead to success.
It's been challenging not to lose focus. Fortunately, I feel I am at the point of no return (like the Expose' song). There is no way I can stop meeting my expectations of myself. I am addicted to the rush of outdoing myself. I have buried myself so deep in the hope of creating an impact that there is no way I am going to stop trying to figure out what it is that I need to say or do.
I want to scream but I bottle it all up. & then I pretend I would never scream.
My twins are becoming friends. I've waited for these days my entire life, when the outside my starts relating to the inside me. Unfortunately, they are still fighting like young siblings. There is a constant battle between the romantic & the cynic, the optimiss & the pessimist. Depending on the chemical balance of the day, this battle can be disguised as balance. usually it is just a battle.
The battle leaves me wanting stability: the days when
all my desires are met (dreaming big), the days when I feel identified, & loved, & able to love. This desperate "want" then appears insincere, its recognition being the catalyst of an endless inner-interrogation & dragging out of anything & everything damaging. It all pours out at once. It exposes the masochist & drenches my existence with the cliches of the suffering artist. The battle turning into genocide....
But, as unpleasant as that may sound (or as dramatic as it may seem), the flip side is bliss. The fragility of its existence overpowers any sense of doubt. Its recognition presents the possibility of enlightened living, & I think that is all I want.
- By Federico Nessi of Spunk magazine, issue no.6